


The Epic Dating Misadventures of a Cockpipe Cosmonaut

by lothering



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Daddy Kink, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Online Dating, inspired by 4th Man Out, mentioned choking kink, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:45:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lothering/pseuds/lothering
Summary: He really didn’t want to admit that Kaner was right. The guy was fucking insufferable when he knew he was. But, Jonny supposed, it was getting boring to just beat off to headless photos of people he didn’t know. It was becoming depressing just how many nights in he had spent doing just that. He sighed. “Alright, fine. Hook me up, man.”Kaner bounced gleefully on the couch, fist pumping. “You won’t regret this, man, I’m a matchmaking pro. I'm practically Cupid!”“Ugh, please don’t say that ever again.”The doorbell rang, and Kaner jumped up. “Alright buddy, first we demolish these pizzas, then I’m gonna demolish you in some COD, and later tonight, Lady Luck is going to help me find you your beau.”“God help me.”(Inspired by 4th Man Out for the Reel 1988 fusion fest)





	The Epic Dating Misadventures of a Cockpipe Cosmonaut

**Author's Note:**

> A few things to note:  
> * This is my first fanwork in the hockey rpf fandom. So I left a lot of technicalities by the wayside while writing thing. Exceptionally hand-wavey timeline, too, so there's no particular year/season that this takes place in.  
> * I haven't written any fanfic in age (re: years, literally), so please excuse my rusty writing. Woop.
> 
> And most importantly: I was rushing the meet the deadline for this challenge, so aside from some vague re-reading and editing, this story hasn't been beta'd. If there are any mistakes, they are 100% my own.
> 
> Also worth noting is that this is a work of fiction, and I do not state the sexualities or personalities of the people in the story as being fact. If you've landed here by googling your name, for the love of all that is good in this world, turn back and run for the hills.

It may have been a bad idea to leave his laptop out with Kaner present.

Scratch that - it was definitely a bad idea to leave his laptop out with Kaner present. Or, barring that, with any of the team over as it was. But Kaner’s presence alone was enough to warrant a heightened sense of caution towards leaving his laptop out and unlocked, or so Jonny should have known.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right?

It happened on a Wednesday night, their regular hangout night. Jonny, having been browsing the internet before Kaner had arrived, found himself editing his profile and responding to messages on a rather...particular dating site. Alright, fine - he was fishing for hookups on a gay dating site. No photos above the neck, of course, and the very non-descript username JonnyHawk kept his identity a secret. He had managed to skirt around the typical question of ‘what do you do for a living?’, and had on occasion managed a few furtive dick pick-sharing sessions, resulting in some satisfying but ultimately lonely orgasms. 

He couldn’t remember what had made him create the profile in the first place, but as long as nobody knew who he was, it couldn’t hurt, right?

A knock at the door to his condo jerked Jonny out of the conversation he had been having with a dude-bro fittingly named ‘HotJock’ (Jonny was certain he’d be seeing those pictures in his spank bank for a while). A glance at his watch told him that he had been online for far longer than he initially planned, and so he closed his laptop, tossed it down the couch, and shouted, “Door’s unlocked!”

Kaner popped in a moment later, shedding his jacket and shoes at the door. “Hey man, I was thinking pizza tonight, if you’re up for it?”

“Yeah, sure. From that place that does the gluten free spinach and kale?”

Kaner mimed gagging as he dropped down onto the other end of the couch. “Ugh, how you can stand to mix both spinach and kale together on a pizza is beyond me. It’s sacrilegious, Tazer. Somewhere in the heavens, the Pizza Gods are crying.”

“Okay, now you’re being dramatic.” Jonny rose, stretching. “I’m just gonna hit the john. You wanna order?”

A silent thumb up met his question. As he was headed down the hall, he heard Kaner cuss. “Shit, my phone is on the fritz again. Mind if I use your laptop to order?”

“Go right ahead.” 

Mid-stream, Jonny froze. He hadn’t closed the dating site, let alone his conversation with HotJock when Kaner had arrived. Which meant -

“FUCK. KANER, WAIT-!”

“Uhhh, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I’m fairly certain this guy’s dick is like at least three inches smaller than mine. Also: HotJock, really?”

Jonny braced himself on a wall, heart hammering in his chest. “Kaner, wait, no, shut that down right now. Please.”

“Well, at least let me order the pizza. I’ll just...downsize this other window.”

The next few minutes passed in silence before Kaner finished clicking away at the laptop, eventually shutting it down. He turned slowly, peering at Jonny curiously over the back of the couch. “So. Is there something I should know?”

“I didn’t want you to find out this way.”

“That I - that I’m -”

“That yooooou?”

“That I’m gay, alright!” Jonny threw his hands up with a huff, “That I like sucking the D! You know, ‘blowing the sausage’, a ‘backdoor bandit’, a cockpipe cosmonaut - fuck. I’m gay, Pat.”

“Oh.” The following shrug and easy, “Alright” that followed wasn’t what Jonny had been expecting. It was the exact opposite, to be honest.

Emerging from the shadowed hall, Jonny sputtered, “Is that it?”

“Well, yeah. Did you expect me to scream and shout? Maybe curse you to eternal damnation, just because I’m Catholic?” The frown that creased Kaner’s unshaved face left Jonny with a seed of guilt in his gut. “If it makes you feel any better, dude, I’m bi. I don’t think sexuality and religion must be mutually exclusive. What some old-ass European guy in a pointy hat says about the way people have sex, and with whom, doesn’t reflect upon my beliefs. I don’t hate you for being gay, Jonny.”

Oh god, Kaner needed to stop talking now or Jonny was going to do something stupid - like cry. _Nope. Not today, Emotions._

Jonny hesitated for a moment longer before joining Kaner on the couch. “I didn’t really plan on coming out anytime soon. It’s not like I can really date any of the guys I talk to on that site, anyway.” He nodded towards his laptop, which Kaner had set aside on the coffee table. “I guess I just needed an outlet or something. It’s better than nothing, I guess.”

Kaner was silent for a moment, nodding slowly. “Yeah, I guess. But…”

“But what?”

“Well, I have a little black book of my own, so to say. If you want, maybe I can set you up with one of the guys I know? They’ll keep it on the down-low, and you can always have them sign an NDA if you need to.”

“I don’t need you to play matchmaker for me, Kaner. I’m fine with what I have right now.”

“Your hand and a couple photos of guys that may have been nicked from Google Images?”

He really didn’t want to admit that Kaner was right. The guy was fucking insufferable when he knew he was. But, Jonny supposed, it was getting boring to just beat off to headless photos of people he didn’t know. It was becoming depressing just how many nights in he had spent doing just that. He sighed. “Alright, fine. Hook me up, man.”

Kaner bounced gleefully on the couch, fist pumping. “You won’t regret this, man, I’m a matchmaking pro. I'm practically Cupid!”

“Ugh, please don’t say that ever again.”

The doorbell rang, and Kaner jumped up. “Alright buddy, first we demolish these pizzas, then I’m gonna demolish you in some COD, and later tonight, Lady Luck is going to help me find you your beau.”

“God help me.”

+++

The first date Kaner set him up on was, to say the least. It had started out so promising, too. 

Daniel, his mystery date, had been so much more than Kaner's initial description had let on; "Tall, dark and handsome. Go get him, big guy!" He was, admittedly, on the taller end of the scale, edging Jonny out by an inch or two even in his lifted dress shoes. It was clear that he worked out and took care of himself if the crisp seafoam green dress shirt that clung tightly to his muscular frame was a reliable indicator. When Jonny approached him at the restaurant where he had made their reservation, he was met with a warm smile on lips that were slightly too chapped for Jonny's preference but were made up for by the striking grey eyes that tracked his movements with vivid interest as he approached.

"Daniel, right? I'm Jonny."

"Yeah, you're one of Kaner's boys, aren't you?" Daniel grinned, tugging a ringlet of black hair off of his forehead. "He wasn't wrong when he said you had a 'good kush tush'."

"I, uh, what?" Jonny nearly knocked over the pitcher of water that was on the table as he quickly sat down. /Smooth moves, buddy. Also, what? He wasn't sure whether to be flattered that the guy was already taking notice of his particular assets (pardon the pun) or if he should be leery of the fact that /Kaner/ classified his ass as 'good kush'. He was rescued from his thoughts by the arrival of the waiter.

When their menus were whisked away, Jonny found himself toying with the tablecloth, scrambling for a thread of conversation. "So, ah, Patrick said you worked with children?"

And that was when it began: as Daniel chattered on about his career as a preschool teacher, his left hand unconsciously rose up to prop his chin in his palm and his thick fingers...went immediately into his mouth. Like, no by-your-leave dancing just at the lip bottom of his lip, skimming across the slightly chafed skin there. Nope - the Finger Choo Choo Express drove straight into Mouth Canyon Station, where the owner of said fingers began to gnaw at the crooked stubs of fingernails that had apparently been chewed to the quick in previous encounters.

It wasn't just a momentary or singular action, either. As the evening wore on and their dinners were delivered, Jonny sat in almost entranced, disgusted horror as Daniel's spit-slicked fingers played around the corners of his mouth, picking between his teeth frequently to dig out pieces of salmon, and then returning to being gnawed to death once the meal was over and there were no more flecks of food left to be mined.

Jonny, bless his soul, kept his cool. He'd been in media scrums with questions thrown at him that left him more disoriented than Daniel's apparent predilection to finger fucking his own mouth in the middle of a restaurant and devouring his own nails as a side dish. He could survive this. Hell, everyone had flaws, and it wasn't as if Daniel was a bad person beyond the...finger thing. As another chunk of nail disappeared down Daniel's gullet, Jonny swallowed down a tide of nausea that threatened to bring his dinner back for a show-stopping encore.

"Hey, I'm just going to hit the john and then maybe we can get out of here?" The question drew Jonny out of a trance, his eyes darting up from where he had been watching a bead of blood threaten to well up at the tip of Daniel's index finger. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sure thing."

As soon as the man was gone, Jonny whipped out his phone, texting Kaner: _This guy has eaten no less than a dozen hangnails since we sat down. I think I'm gonna hurl._

Daniel had yet to return when Kaner's response came in. _**Yeeeeeeah. did i forget 2 tell u dan's a biter? woops.**_

_**You're terrible and I hate you.** _

_**U luv me, tazer. don't lie.** _

 

_**Fuck you.** _

"Hey, you ready to go?" Daniel was standing beside Jonny, hand held out to help him up. And Jonny would have taken it, truly he would have if it weren't for the suspicious speck of brown underneath the man's nails. _Oh god._

"Uh, yeah, about that..." Jonny stood, ignoring the hand held out to him. "I think there was something in that salmon that didn't agree with me. I'm just going to head home. But, uh, it was nice meeting you, Daniel. Bye."

As he scurried from the restaurant, erstwhile attempting to not look like he was running away as fast as could still be considered polite, he chanced a glance back over his shoulder - just in time to see Daniel shove one of his grubby, unwashed fingers into his mouth.

+++

"He looks like Sasquatch."

"Oh come on, he's not...that bad. A little hairy 'round the, ah, everything. What's a little bit of hair, Tazer?"

"His ear hair has grown ear hair, and that hair has grown beards. There's so much that's wrong with this, Kaner."

....

(Later)

"Sooooo, how'd it go?"

"We'll never speak of this again."

"What happened?"

"Picture this: a nice, fancy-ass restaurant, candlelit tables, and a gorgeous steak dinner. Follow it up with the in-house special gluten free cheesecake and you've got a pretty good night, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm sensing a huge 'but' coming up."

"We ended up necking in his car. You were right - the werewolf beard wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be."

"Damn straight, man. Buuuuut?"

"I pulled a hair out of my mouth later on."

"Oh no."

"A very, VERY long hair."

"Oh god."

"I threw up in the gutter outside his car."

"...So, no second date?"

"Fuck off, Pat."

+++

Standing outside the Cinemark in Columbus, Jonny burrowed deep down into his winter coat as an icy breeze blasted by him. He'd left the hotel half an hour ago with Kaner winking and nudging him with no subtlety whatsoever, going so far as to slip a condom and a travel packet of lube in Jonny's pocket while stage whispering, "It's dangerous to go alone, take this."

Objectively, the guy Kaner had set him up with this time was attractive, or at least he was in the Tinder profile Kaner had shown him the week prior to their Columbus trip. "Evan was a buddy of mine back in London. He's perfect for you: disgustingly gung ho on organic garden, shaves at least every other day, and no, he's not going to go down on his own fingers during your date - not unless you want him to."

"And there's absolutely nothing else I should know about this guy? He doesn't secretly kidnap children on the weekends? No illegal cockfighting rings in the basement of his house?"

Kaner had scoffed, "Tazer, this guy is almost as much of a Puritan as you are. Besides, he doesn't even have a house - he has a condo - and the only cock you'll see in it is -"

"OKAY, THANK YOU. That's all I needed to know!"

Needless to say, Jonny held a faint glimmer of hope that perhaps this date with Evan would be the closing chapter in the ridiculous odyssey of dates that Kaner had set him up on. After the last two disasters, it couldn't get much worse, right?

"Hey, you're Jonny, yeah?"

The voice, coming at him from his right, stirred Jonny from his musings. It was a deep voice, handsome in the sort of way that an alluring sound can be described as beautiful, but there was something just a little remotely off about it.

When he turned to answer the question, Jonny felt as if his feet had been swept out from underneath him by an errant hockey stick, coming face to face with a man who could only be described as a slightly lankier version of Idris Elba. "O-oh, uh, yeah." Jonny stuttered, belatedly offering the man his hand in greeting. "Evan, right?"

Evan swayed closer into Jonny's space with a cheerful flash of pristine teeth. "That's me! So, what's your appetite tonight? A horror flick? Rom-com? There's another Bond movie out, too, if you're down for explosions and awkardly over-the-top sex scenes."

"Explosions and sex it is, then."

"Good man!" Evan laughed, hand drifting gently down to the small of Jonny's back, subtly steering him through the evening crowd. This close to Evan, Jonny could smell a faint cedarwood aftershave mixed with something faintly familiar. Something heavy, but muted under the scent of the other man's aftershave. It was right on the tip of his tongue...

"Popcorn?"

 

Evan's hand slid to Jonny's hip, both the movement and the man's voice interrupting his train of thought. "Yeah, sure. No butter, though?"

"Gotcha. Soda or water to drink?"

"Water, please."

Later, nestled comfortably in their seats with the diving arm tucked up and their thighs pressed hotly against each other, Jonny felt the knot of tension he hadn't realised had been growing in his gut release. Kaner had fucked up royally setting him up on those first two dates with Nail Guy and Wolfman, but Evan was a catch. Jonny found himself covering laughter as the other man plucked gaping holes in the plot of the movie on the screen, going to great lengths, even, to imply that one of the villains was a secret furry.

"Look, there's a fucking pair of cat ears on his bedroom lamp. Ten bucks say there's a tail hanging in the closet." Jonny felt a piece of popcorn slide down his throat and instinctively he inhaled. Naturally, he spent the next minute hacking until he felt Evan press a flask into his hand. "Here, man. Take a drink, I think everyone else here wants to kill us right now."

Without thinking, Jonny tipped the flask up against his lips, pouring a mouthful down his throat before his taste buds and brain caught up to each other. Burning warm down his throat until it pooled in his stomach like a vat of hot water, the whisky tasted cheap and, frankly, like shit. Sputtering, Jonny yanked the flask away from his mouth, dreading the moment when spilt droplets would soak through the thin cotton of his shirt.

"What the fuck, man? You brought alcohol on a date?"

In the dark of the theatre, Jonny just barely saw Evan shrug, apparently, none too bothered by the venom in his date's accusation. "I pregamed a bit before I came, alright? I was nervous - you're a pretty well-known guy, who wouldn't be nervous going on a date with you?"

Before the other man even finished speaking, Jonny was gathering up his coat and standing. "You know what, I think we're done here. Thanks for your time, Evan. Don't call me; I sure as fuck won't be calling you."

"Shit, Jonny, wait!" The sound of footsteps thudding down the theatre stairs as Evan chased after him. A hand on Jonny's elbow, turning his around just outside the auditorium entrance. "I shouldn't have - ugh."

"What?"

"I...I think I'm gonna -"

"Oh, hell no."

….

-"Sup buddy! How did the date go?"

"I'm covered in cheap whisky and vomit, and the popcorn at that theatre wasn't even that great. How do you think it went, Patrick?"

"Right. The Great Search for Jonny's Lucky Love continues!"

"Please don't call it that."

+++

Hands roaming up the abdomen and heaving chest of the fair-haired man beneath him, Jonny felt as if he could cry for how perfect this date was, in comparison to the past three Kaner had set him up on. Then again, any date that ended in sex was awesome, just by rule of thumb. This one was no exception, with the sheets on Jonny's hotel bed thrown to the ground, condom wrappers littering the carpet, and his hips grinding down as he slid deep into the guy beneath him. What was his name again? Keith? Kenneth? He'd have to be sure to find out later, subtly, but for now...

"Ah, yes! Right there!" 

God in heaven, how could Jonny not run hot at those words? Accordingly, he thrust back in at the same angle, a little harder than before, and was rewarded with a strangled wail. No doubt about it, the guys would be chirping him about his 'mouthy boy' in the locker room tomorrow morning, but in the present time, Jonny could care less.

Leaning forward, he captured – Kevin’s? Kent’s? - lips in a searing kiss, locking them together with teeth and sliding tongues until he felt as if his lungs might burst. His hands slid down, under the other man's shoulders, until they curled up and over, fingertips skating over his clavicle.

"Oh, oh, yes! Yes! Force choke me, daddy!"

It was almost as if the needle of a record player had slid clean off of vinyl, so suddenly was the moment ruined. His thrusts stuttering to a stop, Jonny gaped wordlessly down at the man beneath him.

"I, uh, wha-?"

Karl (or was it Kenny?) blinked up at Jonny, whining, "Why'd you stop?"

"I'm not, uh, really into choking?"

"Oh. Well, that sucks." The look of disappointment on the man's face made Jonny cringe, and he made to pull away. "No, hey, don't worry about it. Let's just finish, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

Never before had an orgasm felt so dissatisfying to Jonny, who tumbled over onto his side of the bed after taking care of - Karl? Kraig? Did it even matter at this point? Jonny was ninety percent certain he wouldn't be giving this guy a callback, nor he to Jonny.

Later that night, when all was said and his room to Kaner's tore his attention away from thoughts of steak and baboons biting at each other's faces. "Door's open, man."

Kaner's head popped in as the door creaked open, eyes darting around as if searching for something before he appeared to relax and stepped into the room entirely.

"So, that sounded...intense. Nathan already gone?"

Well, shit. "Yeah."

"Should I hold my breath for news of your engagement?"

"No."

"A second date, at least?"

"No."

And Kaner...did not look surprised in the least. Instead, he toed off his sneakers and flopped belly-down onto the bed beside Jonny. He grimaced momentarily. "Ugh, there aren't any, like, wet spots I should be aware of, right?"

For some reason, that made laughter bubble up into Jonny's throat. "No, Kaner. You're safe."

"Oh good, I didn't want to end up pregnant or anything. I'd make a horrible teen mom, Tazer. Just terrible." Patrick stretched out, dragging a pillow down to lay on it.

"I'm pretty sure that isn't how pregnancy works, bud, and I know for a fact that you're a few years short of being thirty. Not exactly a 'teen mom' now, are you?"

"Good god, shut up, Tazer. You're a fun killer - and from the sound of things, a gentleman killer as well." Bushy blond eyebrows waggled up and down suggestively as Patrick turned to lay on his side, facing Jonny. The light-hearted moment seemed to shift suddenly, as Patrick spoke softly, "There's something I should tell you, but I'm afraid you're going to hate me afterwards."

Jonny, who had been surfing channels again, paused on a foreign news network. The blathering of the news anchors hummed in the background as he tried to figure out what Kaner could have done that would possibly piss him off. "What did you do? Pat?"

"I...may have deliberately set you up on shitty dates."

"WHAT."

"Please don't kill me, I had a good excuse!" The blond curled up in the fetal position pre-emptively as Jonny jerked up into a sitting position, glaring at his teammate.

"I watched a guy eat his nails like a goddamn appetiser, nearly swallowed a metric ton of body hair, had a guy spew down my favourite shirt, and ended up having the worst orgasm of my life because the guy wanted 'daddy' to 'force choke' him. And you SET THIS SHIT UP ON PURPOSE?"

"There's a really good reason, just listen to me!"

Settling back against the headboard, Jonny scowled. "You better have a good reason, Patrick. I might not be able to fuck a guy ever again without hearing the words, 'force choke me, daddy' echoing in my head."

"Wait, he seriously said that? _Nathan_? Wow, you think you know a guy..."

"Get to the explanation, Patrick!"

"I didn't want you to find someone, alright? I wanted you to find-" the rest of his sentence was cut off as Kaner buried his face into the pillow he was resting on. Jonny waited, to see if more would follow, or if Kaner would clarify what he had said. Instead, silence followed, and the man was forced to prod the blond with his foot.

"I didn't catch that, Pat. You want me to find?"

Kaner sighed, pulled his face out of the pillow to glance at Jonny cautiously. "Me. I...wanted you to find me. Attractive. Desirable. Whatever. I want you to want to date me."

 

"And...your way of attaining this was by setting me up with a series of shitty dates, instead of, oh I don't know, talking to me like a mature adult?"

"I didn't say it was a good idea, okay?" Kaner rolled onto his back, throwing his hands up in frustration and letting them flop down above his head. "Please don't hate me."

"Pat?"

"Yeah, Jonny?"

Jonny scooted down the bed until he was face to face with Patrick. He hesitated a moment before resting a hand on the other man's hip. He heard Kaner draw in a quick, sharp breath, no doubt finding the move unexpected and hopefully not unwanted. Probably not unwanted, if Kaner were speaking truthfully just moments ago.

"Even though that was a really, tremendously stupid idea - and you owe me a new shirt, by the way - and you seriously have questionable taste in friends...I don't hate you. God knows I should be pissed off at you, but I don't."

"Really? Because in your place, I would be fucking livid."

"Yeah, well, we don't all have the emotional range of a gnat."

"Hey!" Patrick looked like he wanted to say more in protest, but before he could, Jonny surged forward to kiss him. Kaner floundered momentarily, hands gripping at Jonny's shoulders before he sunk into the kiss with a soft moan.

When they pulled away for breath, Jonny laughed. Patrick frowned, huffing, "What now?"

"Considering you haven't fed me your hair or thrown up on me yet, I think we're gonna be fine."

"So...you wanna give this a shot? Me?"

"Yeah," Jonny ducked back in to press a chaste kiss on Patrick's lips. "Yeah, I'm game if you are."

(END)


End file.
